Sale of Stolen Property

[Back in October 2002, Kalaki had already anticipated the problem of how to sell off Kafupi’s ill-gotten gains]

Spectator Auctions PLC

Sale of Stolen Property

Bankruptcy and Liquidation of Kafupi and Associates

Sheriff’s Sale of Stolen Property

GOODS SPECIFIED IN THIS SCHEDULE HAVE BEEN SEIZED BY TASK FARCE BAILIFFS UNDER PROCESS IN ACTION NUMBER O1/2002/NEWDEAL/LEVY, BEING STOLEN PROPERTY NOW TO BE SOLD FOR CASH, AND THE PROCEEDS RETURNED TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS, THE PEOPLE OF ZAMBIA.

THE SPECIFIED GOODS WERE SEIZED FROM MUPUPU KAFUPI AND ASSOCIATES, NOW DECLARED BANKRUPT AND IN LIQUIDATION.

ALL GOODS LISTED IN THE SCHEDULE

WILL BE SOLD BY PUBLIC AUCTION:

VENUE State House, Plot One, Independence Avenue, Lusaka.

DAY Thursday 3 October 2002

TIME 10.00h

GOODS LISTED IN THE SCHEDULE:

Furniture

One white leather armchair, too large for six small presidents, but too small for one large president. One purple plastic sofa, suitable for heavy duty encounters, needs new springs. One king size mattress/trampoline, ideal for multi-party sexual athletics.

Clothes and Personal Effects

524 Paris suits, high quality but very small, suitable for pompous pot-bellied dwarf. 4,321 pairs of high heel shoes, all expensive but extremely vulgar, suitable for Emelda Marcos.

728 pairs of sunglasses, exclusive Mafia design, suitable for concealing actual intentions.

545 boxes of artificial finger nails, suitable for long fingers. 176 boxes of finger glue, suitable for enhancing sticky fingers.

Books and Documents

Twenty copies of The Rule of Law by Prof. Muna Ndulo, untouched and still in the original plastic wrapping. One copy of a master’s thesis on democracy, author unknown. One million presidential ballot papers (already marked). Two copies of the Gabon Report, both bloodstained.

Logistical Equipment

Two thousand ballot boxes (already stuffed). Two hundred tin trunks (empty). Ten kilometers of tunnel, with no light at the other end, suitable for use during a popular uprising.

Pick-up Trucks

120 Mazda pick-ups, mysteriously picked up from nowhere, with money picked up from somewhere, and very useful for picking up votes from nowhere.

Other Transport Vehicles

One V-24 fuel injection Jaguar Supercar, one BMW highspeed motorbike, one Challenger speedboat, and one Apache helicopter, all left behind by the Brilliant Mastermind of Top Intelligence when he fled the country in a canoe.

Real Estate

130 huge mansions, built by Malumba and Kachungwa, and situated in Lusaka, Chienge, Chilubi Island and the Bahamas. Particularly suitable for storing girlfriends, concubines, tin trunks, and fugitives from justice. Copies of title deeds can be obtained from Swindle Mulenga and Associates, Photocopiers.

Mine Shaft

One large empty hole in Luanshya, ideal for disposing of rioting copper miners, and any other malcontents and rabble rousers who threaten the property of respectable citizens.

Former Employees of Kafupi

One Chief Justice, quite expensive to bribe, more suitable for judicial systems in Colombia or Nicaragua. One Attorney General, very cheap and nasty, complete with compliant Director of Public Prosecutions. One wooden Vice-President, very durable, but well past sell-by date. One Chief Clerk of the National Assembly, never properly qualified, but very experienced in petty theft and poaching. One Unspeakable Speaker, blind and deaf, notoriously flatulent and completely immune to shame, but still complete with a full set of dangerous teeth. One velvet mango, very smooth on the outside but very rotten on the inside, very experienced in polluting elections.

METHOD OF PAYMENT

All bids must be enclosed in dirty envelopes in dirty brown envelopes. However, dirty money should be well laundered. All payment must be in cash, delivered in tin trunks. All cash should be in dollars supplied by the Bank of Zambia. Dollars supplied by former Bank of Zambia Governor Frantic Coma are not legal tender because the ink is known to smudge. In conformity with IMF rules, all payments in kwacha will be treated as worthless paper.

SALE PROCEEDS GO TO STARVING ORPHANS

Proceeds from this sale will be used to pay the expenses of the Morleen Mwanamwana Initiative, to send a delegation to Paris to attend the Starving Orphans Charity Ball.

SIGNED:

Inspector Kalaki

(Leader of the Task Farce)