People Power

[First published on 28^th September 2006, a month before the Tripartite Elections of 2006]

People Power

It was Monday 2^nd October 2006. Excited expectation gripped the large crowd gathered in front of the Supreme Court, waiting for the Chief Justice to announce the results of the Presidential Election. At the back of the crowd sat two old men, well known in their day but now almost forgotten. Their names were Kapelwa Musonda and Comrade Bonzo.

‘I still think we had a better system in the old days,’ sighed Comrade Bonzo, ‘when people just voted yes or no, according to whether they wanted their beloved leader to continue or not.’

‘I remember one election,’ said Kapelwa, ‘when over two million people voted yes, and only one person dared to vote no. This single dissenter was hunted down by the party cadres, cornered at Luburma Market, and beaten like a dog. What was his name? I can’t quite remember.’

‘Simon Kapwepwe,’ said Comrade Bonzo.

‘I never thought I’d live to see dissent become respectable,’ said Kapelwa. ‘Who do you think can win out of this lot?’

‘Its got to be Elephant Muwelewele SC.’

‘SC? What does SC mean?’

‘Sensitive to Criticism. If anybody criticizes him, he loses his temper. So he’s in a rage all the time. He’s alienated everybody: teachers, pensioners, doctors, miners. Spits in the face of everybody. They’re all united against him!’

‘So how can he win?’ wondered Kapelwa.

‘Because he’s restored One Zambia One Nation,’ declared Bonzo. ‘He’s united the nation, as did the Great Munshumfwa SC!’

‘SC?’

‘Sole Candidate,’ explained Comrade Bonzo.

‘But Muwelewele is not the sole candidate,’ snapped Kupelwa, getting exasperated. ‘If they’re united against Muwelewele, they’ll vote for one of the others. Probably Cycle Mata SC!’

‘SC?’

‘Spitting Cobra.’

‘Nobody trusts a Spitting Cobra,’ laughed Bonzo. ‘They’re more likely to vote for Grimface HaHa SC.’

‘SC?’

‘Southern Corruption,’ explained Bonzo.

‘You mean Ponga tribalism,’ said Kapelwa. ‘So he can’t win. And nor can Godfear Meander SC.’

‘SC?’

‘Soiled with Crap,’ explained Kapelwa. ‘He soiled himself with the reintroduction of the Putrid Order Act, and a putrid smell has lingered around him ever since.’

‘So the choice is hopeless?’ wondered Bonzo. ‘Isn’t there anybody else?’

‘Only Ngosa Ngoni SC,’ sneered Kapelwa.

‘SC?’ wondered Bonzo.

‘Sued by Creditors,’ explained Kapelwa. ‘Only his creditors will vote for him. They’ll never get their money back unless he becomes president.’

‘Shush,’ said Bonzo. ‘The Chief Justice has started to speak!’

‘…for the Presidential Election held on 28^th September 2006, the official and certified results are as follows:

Ngosa Ngoni 359

Godfear Meander 3,602

Grimface HaHa 390,151

Cycle Mata 539,123

Elephant Muwelewele 755,920

‘Welewelewelewelewele,’ ululated the hired praise singers, as all the bootlickers and sycophants crowded round to congratulate the Great Elephant.

‘However,’ said the Chief Justice ominously, ‘the Spoilt Papers numbered 1,904,240. Normally these would be discarded. But these ballot papers make up 53 per cent of the vote, and each has the words PEOPLE POWER clearly written on it. In these circumstances, I have no option but to declare that all the nominated candidates have been rejected, in favour of People Power, which has won the election by a decisive overall majority.’

‘My God!’ exclaimed Bonzo, ‘how did this happen?’

‘I think I know,’ said Kapelwa slowly. ‘On Election Day there was a column published in The Post, under the title People Power, advising voters that all five candidates were unsuitable, and that it would be a mistake to merely choose the best when all are bad. So voters were instead urged to write People Power across the middle of the ballot paper.’

‘Therefore,’ continued the Chief Justice, ‘I declare that no government has been elected. According to the Constitution, without an elected President, I automatically become the acting President. There will be no ministers or members of parliament. The country will be administered by the civil service, under the guidance of a Constituent Assembly, which will also have the task of finalizing a new Constitution.’

‘Hurray!’ cried the crowd. ‘No more presidential trips to London! No more ministerial allowances! No more gratuities for MPs! Away with the parasites! Now the people are rich!’

As they cheered, a young man wearing the national flag climbed on top of a stone lion. ‘Away to State House,’ he shouted, ‘with all those bricks, we can build a new Chibolya!’

‘Demolish the mansions!’ chanted the crowd as they surged forward. ‘Demolish the Redbrick! Power to the people!’ The Chief Justice was airlifted to the front of the crowd, to lead the triumphal march up Independence Avenue. ‘Justice from the Chief Justice! We’ve waited forty years for this!’

The two old men were left sitting by the fence, staring at events in disbelief. Comrade Bonzo turned slowly to Kapelwa Musonda. ‘This is all your doing, isn’t it? This is not really happening, is it? I’m not even really here! I’m just a character in one of your stories.’

‘Its worse than that,’ said Kapelwa sadly, a tear running down his face. ‘We’re just a couple of characters in one of Kalaki’s stories.’

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With apologies to Kapelwa Musonda, father of Zambian satire.