Gospel Truth

Gospel Truth

A fat little priest waddled to the pulpit, heaved himself up the steps, and slowly opened the Holy Book. ‘Its Father Slow Comacoma,’ Sara whispered, ‘I hope he doesn’t send us to sleep.’

We were attending the Ecumenical Service for the Resurrection of the Constitution, at the Anglican Cathedral. All around us sat the high and mighty, presenting faces of wise piety towards the Post photographer as he prowled the aisle, hoping for a mask to drop.

‘The First Lesson this morning,’ began Father Comacoma, ‘is taken from the Gospel according to St Kalaki, Chapter 66. As Jesus and his disciples were walking to the Great Temple in Jerusalem they came upon a Samaritan lying in the gutter. And Paul spoke to him, saying “Are you not the Good Samaritan who is supposed to rescue people from the gutter? But now we find you are also in the gutter! Are you deliberately seeking to mock the scriptures and attract the wrath of the Lord?

‘But Jesus put his hand gently on the arm of Paul, saying “Rest your tongue awhile my dear brother, for you have entered the wrong parable. This poor fellow is not the Good Samaritan, he is the Refugee Samaritan. Then turning to the Samaritan he asked “What troubles have flung you so far from your native city?”

‘And the Samaritan answered him, saying “The people of Samaria are poor and starving because our king has invited the Romans to take all our copper and tin, and we are reduced to slaves in our own mines. Samaria is left with no surplus wealth to employ doctors or teachers or artists. Our philosophers and thinkers have all fled to Egypt. Now there is money only for the Romans, and for the King.”

‘Then Jesus turned to his disciples, saying “We shall set forth immediately for the City of Samaria, to bring the authority of My Father to bear upon the wicked King Chibulukutu of Samaria!”

‘This is very strange,’ whispered Sara. ‘I thought this was the crucial point at which Jesus cops out, and says Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s!’

‘The Bible is full of contradictions,’ I explained. ‘The Gospel according to St Kalaki tells a different story.’

‘And when Jesus and his disciples entered the city,’ continued Father Comacoma, ‘they found King Chibulukutu standing on the hill in the centre of the city, addressing a great multitude, saying “I am a listening king, here to serve your interests. If you want things organised differently, just let me know what you want, and you can trust me to follow your wishes.” And the king spoke very nicely, for he was reading a speech that had been written by his advisers. And the people cheered when they heard that the king had seen reason at last.

‘But now the King Chibulukutu looked up from the parchment, and cleared his throat. His eyes bulged, the sky went dark and thunder rumbled as he shouted at the crowd, “But remember that I was appointed by God to rule over you, and therefore to challenge me is to challenge the authority of God. So if you think you can change the way this city is run, let me remind you that challenging the authority of the state is treason, and challenging the authority of God is blasphemy.”

‘And the people cowered and trembled with fear as the king spluttered and spat in the faces of his people, “You can shout for change until you are blue in the face, you can shout out your tongues until they fall on the ground, but I warn you all that if you challenge my authority then I will have you crucified on this very hill.”

‘And now Jesus rose up in a terrible rage, saying “No man may claim the authority of God, for it is written in the Commandments that no man may take the name of the Lord his God in vain. My Father in Heaven appoints no man as king, but demands that all kings must follow the scriptures!”

‘Doesn’t the Pope claim to have been appointed by God?’ wondered Sara.

‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘But God himself has remained strangely quiet on the subject.’

‘And even as Jesus spoke,’ said Father Comacoma solemnly, still reading from the Holy Book, ‘a bolt of lightening came down from Heaven and struck the mouth of the king. And so, at long last, the king finally fell silent. His tongue was gone. By daring to shout about God, he had shouted out his own tongue.

‘And so Jesus had performed another miracle. For without his tongue, the king had to listen to his people, and could not answer back. So he had to follow the wishes of the people.’

‘For it is written in the scriptures,’ said Sara, ‘that a silent king is a gift from God.’