FORGIVE ME FATHER...

[In this Golden Oldie from 12^th October 2000, Kafupi accidentally makes the mistake of giving his confession to Father Spectator Kalaki]

Forgive me, Father ...

Last week I found myself passing St Ignominious, and was tempted to go in, and have a look around. Automatically, I walked through to the back, into the little room where Sara and I once signed the marriage register, many years ago. I opened the door, and went in.

But now it seemed to be the confessional. A little wooden pew stood next to a metal grill in the wall. Curious, I opened the little side door, and stepped into the priest’s secret little cubicle.

Very nice too! Comfortable red velvet armchair, bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine. I sat down, and poured myself a large glass of Jameson’s Irish Whisky, and opened the magazine.

Just then I heard footsteps approaching on the other side of the grill. Then the steps came to a halt, and I could hear the visitor sitting down in the pew. My whisky hand began to shake. Next I heard a voice on the other side. ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

I took another gulp at the whisky. ‘Tell me, my son, what have you done which troubles your conscience?’

‘Oh Father, I have chased my wife of many years, and now my house is empty.’

‘A house without a wife is always empty. You must turn your thoughts to God.’

‘No, I mean the house is empty because she took all the furniture. She loaded everything into three containers, and took it all to Ndola. Not even a chair is left. That’s why I have come here to sit down.’

‘But my son, what did your wife do which caused you had to chase her, thereby accidentally chasing your furniture?’

‘Father, she had become very moody and bad tempered, always trying to pick a quarrel with my other wives, and even criticising my choice of girlfriends.’

‘Is that all, my son? You must explain to her that according to the Old Testament, a man may have many wives.’

‘Its not as simple as that, Father. She has been seen with another man!’

‘My son, that is an entirely different matter! Your wife has sinned. You must explain to her that the Bible allows a man to have many wives, but does not allow a woman to have many husbands. She has been unfaithful. When a woman does that, it is adultery. A deadly sin.’

‘So I did right to chase her?’

I lolled back in the armchair and took another gulp of whisky. ‘My son, I said, ‘this is a Christian nation. You have to uphold the Old Testament rule that the man is the head of household. What troubles your conscience, apart from your dreadful loss of furniture?’

‘Oh Father,’ he wept, ‘everybody is laughing at me. For I am the one who has talked about gender equality, but now people are saying I have one standard for myself, and another for my wife.’

I sat there admiring the centrefold of Playboy. ‘My son,’ I replied, ‘women are biologically different from men. It is our duty to stay on top. Even in the Vatican, the Pope is always on top of the Mother Superior.’

‘But Father,’ he persisted, ‘I have always tried to be a democrat. I have even written a book about democracy, which I intend to read one day. But now people are saying that I am a tyrant in my own home. Saying that I take decisions without consulting others. That I talk democratic and behave autocratic.’

‘My son,’ I said. ‘You don’t seem to know the meaning of sin, but you’re only mistake is saying one thing but doing another. You must drop all this hypocritical talk of gender equality and democracy, and make clear that you are following the Old Testament, the Dictatorship of God and the Tyranny of Man.’

‘Thank you Father. What can I do to make amends?’

‘Was that your first marriage?’

‘No, second. Although I always called her my first lady.’

‘Then you need to find a second lady, and go for a third term. On the way out, drop in at the Erectory and ask for Sister Magdelene. She’s very experienced at uplifting the downcast. She could give you a marvellous erection for your third term.’

‘What shall I tell her?’

‘Tell her,’ I said, ‘to show you the true meaning of sin.’

_____________________

I was still sitting there in a drunken stupor when the door of the cubicle opened, and there stood Father Fatty O’Flatulence, looking down on me with a severe expression. I drew myself unsteadily to my feet, and gave him the sign of the cross. ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.’