[This Golden Oldie, first published on 4th March 1999, looks at one of Kafupi’s particularly ridiculous ministers, the luscious and lascivious Kandu Kanga, who loved showing us her ample thighs]
Kandu
Just imagine, interviewing the fabulous Kandu Kanga, Minister of Subtraction. The Page One Pin-Up Girl. I found her sprawled across a velvet sofa, wearing a bright yellow butterfly kanga ...
‘Ah Ha,’ she cried, ‘the delicious Spectator Kalaki! I’m looking for a new man!’
‘Its nice to meet you in the flesh,’ I said. ‘I’ve seen so much of you in the newspaper, but I know there’s more to you than that.’
‘Much more,’ she laughed. ‘Sit down next to me, and I shall reveal all!’
‘I just wanted your thoughts on your new job as Minister of Subtraction.’
‘My thoughts or my thighs,’ she laughed, ‘which are you after?’
‘I’m the Correspondent for Thoughts,’ I said. ‘Thighs are handled by another department.’
‘Then don’t let your thoughts wander, you naughty man, or I might eat you for breakfast.’
‘I see you’ve just brought in this new policy of withdrawing food from hospital patients. Is it a success?’
‘Absolutely. The number of patients has dropped by more than half. We’ve got rid of all the lazy chancers who thought it was a free hotel.’
‘So what is the underlying philosophy?’
‘Subtraction. First we subtracted the subsidies, and now we are subtracting other benefits.’
The knot on her kanga was coming loose. ‘Isn’t it hot,’ she said, moving closer. ‘Clothes are such a bother in this heat.’
‘So are you going to remove everything?’
‘Good gracious no, you naughty man,’ she laughed. ‘Not yet.’
‘I mean from the hospital.’
‘Oh, I see what you mean,’ she laughed. ‘No, we’re just transferring some responsibility to the patients. Its the new policy of Cost Sharing. They have to provide their own food, medicine, and nursing care. We’re encouraging self-reliance.
‘Are you self-reliant, Kalaki? she said, moving closer. ‘Can you stand up for yourself? Or do you need some help?’
It was getting difficult to concentrate. The kanga seemed to be shrinking, but I stuck grimly to my questions...
‘So does the government still give any assistance to hospitals?’
‘Oh Yes. We provide the lobster lunches and Pajeros for the Hospital Boards.’
‘And are you extending this policy of subtraction to other ministries?’
‘I’m already making good progress. We subtracted all the books from schools some years ago. Now we’re subtracting the teachers. Under the policy of privatisation, we feel it is better for tuition to be done privately, in the home.’
She ran her finger down the back of my neck. ‘What about you, Kalaki, don’t you think tuition should be done privately?’
‘Will that be fair to the pupils?’
‘In the past some schools had an unfair advantage of good teachers, whereas others had hopeless teachers. Some schools were affected by strikes, and others had no teachers at all.’
‘So if all schools are without teachers,’ I suggested, ‘At least that would be equality. Then, at last, pupils will have equality of opportunity!’
‘Ooh Kalaki! I do like a man who can stand up for his principles.’
‘Its important to have principles,’ I said.
‘Yes,’ she said, passing her tongue slowly across her top lip. ‘I’d love to see your principles.’
‘So which Ministry is your next target?’ I said, trying to change the subject.
‘I’ve already started on Defence. All those lovely men in their uniforms. When I walk into the room, they all stand up for me! So hard and straight!’
‘So what are you going to subtract from them?’
‘Ooh Kalaki,’ she said, putting her arm round me and whispering in my ear, ‘that sounds like a naughty question! But first I have to disarm them. We women don’t like our men to be aggressive.’
‘Remove their guns?’
‘The Angolans have agreed to buy them. We don’t need them. We are a peaceful country. Our soldiers are just for airport ceremonials.’
‘And the Air Farce?’
‘Five thousand handsome men, with only two aeroplanes, which I’ve now given to the
‘Can you do that?’
‘Can do? I can do anything. That’s why I’m called Kandu. If you Kandu, I Kandu! We both Kandu!’
She nuzzled against my ear, and bit it.
‘Aargh! Kandu! Stop it!’ I woke up with a start.
‘You’ve been talking in your sleep again,’ said Sara. ‘Whose this Kandu? ‘One of your old girlfriends?’
‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘Anything she Kandu, you Kandu better.’
‘In that case,’ said Sara, ‘you Kandu my breakfast!’
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