Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Silly Ass

[This piece was first published on 26th July 2001, at a time when the MMD was supposedly looking for a presidential candidate to replace the cunning little dribbler]

The Silly Ass

Last night Sara and I were watching the TV news, when suddenly the screen was filled with the greasy creased ingratiating face of Mr Velvet Mango, Chief Liar of the Movement for Marketing Donkeys.

‘Turn him off,’ I pleaded. ‘He gives me the creeps.’

‘It’s hard to believe,’ laughed Sara, ‘that this repellent creature is trying to attract votes. I’m fascinated.’

‘It is my honour and privilege, as party spokesman,’ began Velvet Mango, ‘to report the result of our deliberations on the next Presidential Candidate. I’m sure the nation will fully appreciate the dilemma faced by our National Execution Committee, in that some of our best leaders have been executed, whilst others have fled the party, or even fled the country.’

‘All that remains,’ cackled Sara, ‘are the snakes, hyenas and donkeys.’

‘We need to rid the party,’ said Mango with a crafty leer, ‘of these clever leaders, who have misused their intelligence to manipulate the constitution, deceive the people and arrogate more power unto themselves. We are therefore of the considered opinion that the voters are now calling for a truly stupid leader, who is not suspected of having the brains to organise large scale theft and corruption.’

‘Yes!’ laughed Sara. ‘Bring on the donkey!’

‘It therefore gives me great pride and pleasure to present our new Presidential Candidate…’

So saying, he reached to his left, and pulled out an old grey donkey. ‘I present to the nation Mr Eunuch Kapimpinya, a donkey with neither brains nor testicles. Completely harmless in all respects. A loveable leader at last!’

‘Hee-haw! Hee-haw!’ responded the donkey.

‘God in his generosity and wisdom has given this Christian Nation a donkey to take us to the Promised Land, just as he gave Jesus a donkey to travel to Jerusalem.’

‘Didn’t that end in the crucifixion?’ I asked.

‘But are donkeys truly indigenous?’ wondered Sara. ‘We don’t want another foreigner on the throne.’

‘Some people may ask,’ said Mango, as he leered into the camera, his saliva dripping down the screen, ‘whether a donkey is eligible to stand as a Presidential Candidate. It is my pleasure to allay any fears on this count. The party’s legal advisor has assured us that, so long as both parents were born in Zambia, there is no bar to a donkey becoming President.’

‘I can foresee one problem,’ Sara said. ‘I could get arrested for insulting the President if I called him a donkey. And suppose I called him a silly ass?’

‘It can’t be wrong to call him a donkey if he actually is a donkey,’ I said. ‘But according to the law you have to show respect to the Head of State. So it would be insulting to call him a silly ass, as if he were just an ordinary silly ass like other silly asses. You would have to refer to him as His Excellency the President Dr Almighty Silly Ass PhD. This is the form of politeness which is much appreciated by silly asses.’

As we were talking, the greasy Mango had lifted the donkey’s foot onto the table. ‘Look at this hoof!’ he cried in triumph. ‘Even if he had brains, how could he steal? Nobody can say he has long fingers! He doesn’t have any fingers at all!’

‘But if the billions were loaded into a cart,’ suggested Sara, ‘he could easily pull them all the way from the Bank of Zambia to State House.’

‘Listen to the empty echo,’ said Mango in triumph, as he rapped the donkey’s skull with his knuckles. ‘Absolutely nothing between the ears.’

‘Maybe he’s like most men,’ said Sara, ‘with his brains in his testicles.’

‘It’s a good thing he can’t hear what you’re saying,’ I laughed.

Whereupon Mango turned the donkey round, and displayed its rear end to the camera. ‘Most important of all, no testicles! No problem of this one producing too many spoilt brats to terrorise the nation!

‘And no more wasting government funds on pomp and splendour. No need for a Mercedes, he’ll be able to trot to all official functions. No need for State House banquets, he eats only grass. He’ll feed off the State House lawns, and deposit his dung in the flowerbeds. He won’t even need to occupy State House!’

‘Of course not!’ laughed Sara, ‘because little Kafupi will be staying on!’

‘Last of all,’ cried Mango, turning again towards the donkey, ‘I shall ask the donkey a few questions, so you can see how really stupid he is.

‘What’s the different between 49% and 51%?’ asked Mango

‘Hee-haw’ replied the donkey

‘What’s the difference between a doctor and a nurse?’

Hee-her,’ laughed the donkey.

‘What’s the difference between a loser and a winner?’

‘A stuffed ballot!’ retorted the donkey.

‘He shouldn’t have said that!’ I exclaimed, ‘he’s given the game away!’

‘But it does show,’ laughed Sara, ‘that he really is a silly ass!’

1 comment:

  1. Always spot on and always making my day. keep it kalaki

    ReplyDelete