Sugar Daddy

[This piece, first published in September 2008, looks at corruption during the previous election campaign]

Sugar Daddy

‘Come in and sit down,’ said Velvet Mango sternly, as Humpty Dumpty rolled through the door and came to rest in a vast armchair. Velvet remained at his desk with a severe expression on his ancient wrinkled face. ‘I’m thoroughly fed-up with you! I spent all last week coaching you on the Art of Politics, and then you go off to the Kateka Initiation Ceremony and make a complete hash of everything! You’ll never win an election like that!’

‘I’ve completely changed my political style,’ he laughed. ‘I went there as Humpty Dumpty, but I’ve come back as Sugar Daddy! Doesn’t that sound so much more attractive? So sweet and delicious! All the girls love a Sugar Daddy!’

‘Its not funny,’ growled Velvet Mango. ‘If you’re going to be a president, you’ve got to know how to behave, and what to wear. You even seem to have ignored everything I told you about choosing the right hat. On state occasions you should wear your Head of State hat, and behave accordingly. Others will be wearing their uniforms, robes, crowns and feathers, and make empty noble speeches about patriotism and national unity. By appearing as a dignified Head of State you can collect votes without even saying a word!’

‘I prefer a more informal style,’ chuckled Sugar Daddy, as he took a sweet out of his pocket.

‘You did the opposite of what you were told!’ shouted Velvet. ‘You stepped out of your official Head of State Jet wearing a shabby Political Party Hat and a loud chitenge shirt, and giving the party sign with both hands. You offended all the dignitaries who had lined up in their official robes to greet you.’

‘I like to appear as a man of the people,’ laughed Sugar Daddy.

‘You seem to be oblivious,’ sneered Velvet Mango, ‘to the rule that you’re not supposed to use official government transport for blatant electioneering.’

‘You’re just jealous that I’ve got so many hats to wear, whereas you’ve got nothing to cover your bald head!’ laughed Sugar Daddy, as his huge belly heaved with mirth. ‘But don’t worry, I soon took off my Political Party Hat, put on a Head of Government Hat, and began distributing sugar to the starving.’

‘Wrong again,’ groaned Velvet, putting his head in his hands. ‘Distributing relief food is an administrative job, not political. Before you left I made it very clear that you should put on your Government Hat to explain government policies, but not get involved in distributing gifts.’

‘Well you were wrong, because everybody loved me and called me their Sugar Daddy! The young girls all came to kiss me, and promised to vote for me. Even the photographer from The Boast came specially to take my picture!’

‘Of course he did!’ snarled Velvet Mango. ‘Bribing electors is specifically prohibited in the Electoral Code, and he caught you in the act! If we didn’t have the Electoral Commission in our pocket, you could easily be debarred!’

‘You’re just jealous of my popularity, you withered old has-been!’ cackled Sugar Daddy. ‘Anyway, you’ll be pleased to hear that I took off my Government Hat when I went to the Girls Initiation Ceremony.’

‘Ah ha!’ said Velvet, ‘I hope you put on your Father of the Nation Hat, and advised the young people on their marital responsibilities.’

‘I considered that,’ laughed Sugar Daddy. ‘But my uncle offered me a Tribal Hat, beautifully made out of dead hyena. Wearing this hat signifies that a man is looking for another wife, and luckily enough I still had enough sugar left to offer a very attractive lobola. So, having improved my political standing by marrying the Paramount Chief’s youngest daughter, I instructed all my tribesmen to vote for me, and to chase any other candidates who had the insolence to step into my tribal territory.’

Just then the office was filled with a sensuous ring-tone taken from the Overture to the Karma Sutra Erotica. ‘Hello Sweetie,’ said Sugar Daddy, as he picked up his cell phone. ‘… Even me, Sweetie, I’m missing you … I’ll be home soon, Sweetie … Daddy’s bringing you a large lollipop … Bye bye Sweetie.’

Sugar Daddy looked round at Velvet, who had his head on his desk, and was moaning quietly. ‘Wake up, you crafty old lizard. I’m going to get elected on a manifesto of supplying the nation with sugar. Remember those good old days under the Unending National Interference Party, when there were only state shops, and they sold nothing but sugar! Anybody with a party card could eat as much as they liked! I shall re-establish the National Sugar Marketing Board, with jobs for everybody. Anybody who opposes me will be locked up! Happy days are here again!’

‘The way you’re going,’ Velvet sighed, ‘you’ll never win this election.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Sugar Daddy. ‘Don’t you think so? Then what more can we do?’

‘The usual,’ groaned Velvet. ‘I’ll have to rig it!’