First published in October 2002, Kalaki looks at a new government which is going nowhere...
Going Nowhere
‘I left you at the bus stop at ten o’clock,’ I said. ‘What happened? Weren’t there any buses to Ndola? Or did you go to visit your boyfriend instead?’
‘Typical of you! Always thinking the worst! You don’t even know what its like out there! You just sit in your chair and pontificate!’
‘That’s what fathers are for,’ laughed Sara.
‘Look,’ I said calmly, ‘It was lovely having you back for the long weekend, but you need a good certificate if you’re going to escape from this country. You know there’s no employment here; the whole place has collapsed.’
‘Yes,’ Koops sneered, ‘especially the bus station. So perhaps you can also tell me how to reach school and obtain my certificate?’
‘What happened at the bus station? Didn’t you manage to get a ticket?’
‘Hah!’ laughed Koops. ‘That was the easy bit. I bought an FDD ticket…
‘FDD?’
‘Famous Delivery and Destinations, they have qualified drivers who know where they’re going.’
‘What were the alternatives?’
‘Not much. There was the Up and Down, which is known to give rather a bumpy ride. Then there was the dreaded Multiple Mysterious Destinations. Nobody knows where they’re going.’
‘So you got on the FDD bus?’
‘There wasn’t one. We waited and waited for nothing. It turned out the police had impounded all the FDD and UPND buses because they didn’t have police permits.’
‘Did they need a permit?’
‘Of course not. But try telling that to the police.’
‘So what happened to all the FDD and UPND tickets which people had bought?’
‘They were treated as spoilt papers, and re-issued as MMD. Then we were all herded onto a big blue MMD bus by the call-boys, who were all MMD cadres.’
‘OK, so you didn’t get the bus you chose. But why didn’t the MMD bus take you to Ndola?’
‘The main problem was that MMD has only one driver. The first delay was waiting for a big red carpet to be laid across the bus station, so that the driver could make his triumphal and ceremonial walk from his office to the bus. When he finally arrived he was welcomed by a traditional band and dancing girls, after which several speeches of welcome were made. Since the MMD has only one bus, the driver is also the president of the company.’
‘What was his name?’
‘Sounded like Muwelewelewele. When he finally came on board he asked us where we were going. Some people shouted Ndola and others said Chipata and others demanded Mazabuka. It was pandemonium.’
‘So what did Muwelewelewele say about that?’
‘He told us the bus was not presently fit to go anywhere because it had been crashed by the previous driver, Wabufi Kafupi. He had obtained a licence by dubious means, and was too short to see over the dashboard. After crashing the bus he had stolen the engine.’
‘So what did the passengers say about that?’
‘Most people accepted the situation. Some said that they hadn’t chosen this bus, but now they were stuck with it, and had better to make the best of it. Others said it was better to first catch the thief. Others pointed out that we had to get the engine back first, and any talk of a destination was entirely premature at this stage. But this democratic and mature discussion was suddenly interrupted by an old woman at the back who began to wail, saying she and her children would starve to death if she had to stay on the bus, and she had to get back home to Chipata.’
‘So did Muwelewelewele assure the old woman that she’d be fed?’
‘He fell into a terrible rage, shouting at the top of his voice, saying that it was illegal to die on his bus, and he’d have everybody arrested if they talked like that! Then he shouted that he had to go to America to find new investors for his bus company. As he turned to go he fell down the steps, and was carried away on a stretcher.’
‘Let’s turn on the news,’ said Sara, ‘and see what our hand-picked leaders have been deciding on our behalf.’
The placid and reassuring face of Dozy Dee filled the screen. ‘Reports are coming in from Ndola of a riot at Wapanshi Girls Secondary School. Starving pupils are reported to have set fire to the school, and are now marching on the office of the District Administrator.’
‘Just as well you never went back,’ said Sara.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Everything has turned out for the best.’
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