This piece was written in 2002, when the police were still looking for the Rule of Law. As indeed they still are…
The Real Police
‘Kalaki!’ he beamed, ‘so pleased to meet you at last! We read your column every week, always hoping to find grounds to throw you in the cells!’
‘Well now’s your chance!’ I laughed. ‘Everybody’s talking about your new VIP Cell, so I’ve come to have a look at it!’
‘Certainly!’ he laughed, as he ushered me out of the office. ‘But I’m afraid it may be too good for you the likes of you. It’s designed for former presidents!’
‘By the way, why’s this station called Badlands?’ I asked, as we walked down the steps from his office. ‘Aren’t we supposed to be in Goodlands?’
‘We don’t have any good people in here,’ he laughed, ‘in here we’re all bad. So watch your step, Kalaki!’
The VIP Cell turned out to be a three-roomed apartment, complete with en-suite bedroom. ‘What a huge bed for such a little fellow!’ I exclaimed.
‘He’s still very active,’ explained Kapumpunta.
‘When are you bringing him in?’
‘Tomorrow,’ he replied.
‘Tomorrow? Are you ready? Are the investigations complete? Are you ready to arrest? Ready to charge? Got a watertight case to put before the court? ’
‘That’s not the way we work’ he cackled. ‘First we lock them up, then we do the investigations, to find out what they’re guilty of!’
‘Suppose they’re innocent?’
‘Don’t be silly, Kalaki, everybody’s done something! Once we’ve locked them up, they soon squeal!’
‘Suppose they don’t?’
‘The always do. Once we’ve squeezed their testicles, they can’t stop squealing!’
‘What about the Rule of Law?’
‘The Rule of Law? Do you know how it looks like?’
‘You mean what it looks like.’
‘Don’t presume to correct me. I learnt my English in England!’
‘And where did you learn your law?’
‘In Libya.’
‘Aha,’ I laughed. ‘That could be the problem. The Rule of Law sets out the rules for ensuring that government officials do not misuse their authority.’
‘How does it looks like?’ he repeated.
‘It’s a big green book with many pages.’
‘Hah hah!’ he cackled, pushing me into the cell and clanging the grill door behind me. ‘How do you know it’s a green book? We’ve been looking for that book for years! There was only one copy! You must be the one who stole it! This country has been without the Rule of Law all these years, just because of you! Now we’ve got you! You’re under arrest!’
‘What!’ I gasped. ‘Surely there must be more than one copy!’
‘What are you talking about! Everybody knows that the Rule of Law completely disappeared in 1973 when the Mad Munshumfwa burnt all copies and replaced it with Humanism Part II. He kept only one copy, just for himself, which he wouldn’t show to anybody. That’s what we were looking for when we searched his books!’
‘Is it an offence to have a copy of the Rule of Law?’ I asked innocently.
‘Of course it’s an offence! That’s how you’ve managed to write all these seditious criticisms of the government, you have a secret and illegal copy of the Rule of Law!’
I languished in the cell for nearly an hour before Kapumpunta came back. ‘We’re off to search your house,’ he declared, as six policemen threw me into the back of a police van already stuffed with twelve CID officers. We were followed by a truck load of paramilitary with AK47s, and a pick-up full of barking dogs.
‘What are the dogs for?’ I asked.
‘Because we don’t need a search warrant if we’re looking for drugs,’ he laughed.
‘You won’t find any drugs,’ I retorted.
‘Don’t you be too sure,’ he laughed. ‘Alcohol, tobacco, aspirin, they’re all drugs.’
‘What’s all this?’ asked Sara, as the convoy swung into our yard.
‘There looking for something to charge me with!’ I said.
‘They should find plenty!’ she laughed. ‘See you later, I’m off to a women’s meeting, so I’ll leave you boys to play your games.’
‘You promised to stick by me, for better or worse!’ I pleaded.
‘Hah!’ she snorted as she drove out, ‘I didn’t know how worse you could get!’
‘What’s this?’ growled Kapumpunta, waving under my nose a paper entitled How the Shushushu Rigged the Election. A story like this could bring down the government! Therefore it threatens the security of the state, so I’m arresting you for treason!’
Just then a dog came running out of the kitchen with a cabbage in its teeth. ‘We’ve found the Rule of Law!’ shouted a policeman. ‘Big and green, with many leaves, just like he said!’
‘They were promised the Rule of Law,’ I laughed, ‘but all they got was a cabbage!’
‘Well done, Kalaki,’ laughed Suspector Mumbo Kampumpunta, taking off his hat.
‘Mumba Kapumpa!’ I laughed. ‘I should have guessed it was you! I thought the name sounded familiar! But I didn’t recognise you without the whiskers and wearing that silly hat! Are you all from Twikisa Theatre?’
‘Of course. We’re thinking of developing one of your stories as a comedy at the Playhouse, so we decided to do a theatre workshop with this one.’
‘This one? I never wrote this one!’
‘But you will,’ he laughed. ‘You will!’
‘Do you know,’ I confessed, ‘I actually believed you were real police!’
‘Don’t be silly,’ he laughed. ‘We don’t have any real police!’
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