All Change

[This Golden Oldie was first published in The Post on 7th October 2004]

All Change

All the courtiers, functionaries and bootlickers stood round in a solemn circle as the Great King began to speak to a thin little fellow standing in front of him. ‘You are being sworn in today as my new Minister of ah, ehrum. Hold this bible in your right hand, Mr er, erum, Mr Lupono, eh, I mean Mr Luposo …’

The King leaned sideways as his secretary whispered into his ear. ‘Ah yes,’ continued the King, ‘Congratulations,Mr Lupompo, on a sudden whim I am plucking you from nowhere to be my new Minister of Vice.’

‘I swear,’ said Mr Bumpy Lupompo, as he held high the bible, ‘to respect whatever you put into the Constitution, Your Majesty, and to treat your every word as law.’

‘I certainly hope you do,’ snapped the King with a fearsome scowl. ‘The previous fellow talked very fair when he was holding the bible and looking at me, but as soon as I turned my back he treated me like, ah, erum, like a, ah…’

Again the secretary whispered into the King’s ear. ‘... eh, eh, he treated me as if I was not the King. But eh, eh, if he thinks I am not the King, then how does he think I appointed him in the first place? Eh? Eh? Answer me that!’

He looked round the room, but everybody remained mute, looking at the floor, and shuffling their feet.

‘Exactly!’ cried the King triumphantly. ‘You cannot answer that, because you are not the King! If you answer on matters that are only for the King to answer, then you have insulted the King! And if I picked you from nowhere, I can drop you even further!

‘And now Mr ah, Mr Mporokoso, I mean Mr Limpopo, you should follow me into my office, where we can discuss more sensitive matters. Matters of state security cannot be discussed here, or heh heh, the law would require me to arrest all these people for being in possession of state secrets, heh heh.’

So saying, the King slowly manoeuvred his huge bulk through a half turn, and lumbered off to his office, where he walked straight in, and stood at the massive French window, looking out across the lawn. Behind him, he heard the sound of Lupompo at the door.

‘Come in, Luposo, or whatever your name is,’ said the King, without bothering to turn round. ‘I shall stand here and admire my kingdom, and philosophise on the art of kingship, while you sit and listen quietly. Make yourself comfortable.’

The King stood looking out of the window. ‘You know, Lupoto,’ he said, addressing the faraway clouds, ‘it is only a few months ago that I was standing at this very same window, looking out over this same garden, after appointing your predecessor, Blabbermouth Mumbo Jumbo. I remember how he grovelled on the floor behind me, trying to lick the back of my boots.

‘I found him destitute, so I gave him a house and a car. When I first sent him to parliament, he couldn’t even find the front door, let alone the toilet. All he had was some doctorate that he bought at a takeaway inTexas. He wasn’t even eligible for the job, and I had to use my prerogative as King to overrule the constitution.

‘I notice you remain quiet. That is good. That’s why I appointed you. Somebody who can remain quiet. I remember when I gave this little talk to Blabbermouth, he was busy blabbering about how he was going to be the best Minister of Vice the country had ever seen.

‘That was the first worrying sign that he couldn’t understand his job. He never realised I’d chosen him because he was such a ridiculous windbag, so that he’d make me look good by comparison. It was a gamble that backfired.

‘We chose you because you are known to be inarticulate to the point of incomprehensibility. That’s what we want. Blabbermouth thought I had chosen him because he was a great orator, so he went round the country speaking in my name, and making me look ridiculous instead of himself. He even dressed up in my suit and held a press conference! So now you’ve got the job, you must keep your mouth shut, and give me your complete loyalty!’

‘You can say something now!’ growled the King, finally wheeling round. But the chair was empty! There was nobody there! He strode to the door and flung it open, ‘Where’s Lupompo?’ he shouted at this secretary. ‘I thought he followed me in here!’

‘He’s gone to Furnishing World,’ the secretary replied calmly, ‘to buy the new furniture for his official residence.’

‘What!’ fumed the King. ‘I told him to follow me!’

‘He left a message. You’re to meet him in his office, at 8.30 tomorrow morning.’