As the great ship steamed across the Atlantic on its maiden voyage, the Captain was addressing his senior officers in their regular morning meeting ...
‘Already,’ growled the Captain, ‘when my command is scarcely five days old, there are officers who are challenging my authority.
‘Therefore I am announcing a reshuffle. First Officer Penza is demoted to the ranks, and will serve the rest of the voyage as a deckhand. In his place I am putting Nawakwi as the new First Officer. I know she has never sailed a boat before, but this will be good experience for her.’
‘We must root out all those who are disloyal,’ interrupted Petty Officer Sata. ‘I am told that Old Munshumfwa, former captain of the Zambezi Queen, is amongst the passengers. Some of the lower ranking officers have been observed saluting Old Munshumfwa.’
‘We shall deal with the old fool,’ hissed the Captain. ‘When I was the First Officer on the Zambezi Queen, Munshumfwa made my life hell. Now it’s my turn.’
Just then there was a timid knock on the door, and a lieutenant stepped hesitantly into the room and saluted. ‘Excuse me sir, but the Officer of the Watch reports a strange white cloud on the horizon. He requests the Captain to come and have a look.’
‘Have a look! What for?’ screamed the Captain. ‘Why have I got an Officer of the Watch, if I have to do the watching myself? What’s the good of having a dog and barking yourself?
‘Now where was I before this nincompoop interrupted us?’ asked the Captain.
‘Munshumfwa,’ said Petty Officer Sata.
‘Ah yes,’ said the Captain. ‘I want you, Muchungwa, to have him followed every step. He must abide by the rules. If you find him holding his knife and fork wrongly in the dining room, then we’ve got him! We shall hang him from the yard-arm. He must follow the rule of law on my ship!’
There was another little knock on the door, and the same lieutenant stepped inside and saluted.
‘Please sir, the Officer of the Watch asks for permission to change course. He says the white cloud now looks more like an iceberg!’
‘Iceberg!’ shouted the Captain. ‘The man’s a fool! There’re no icebergs south of Newfoundland! He’s been at the rum again! Get out! Get out!’
Turning to the new First Officer Nawakwi he said ‘What’s next on the agenda?’
‘Selling off the ship,’ came the reply. ‘Now we are on the high seas, we are beyond the jurisdiction of any country. We are a sovereign state. A law unto ourselves.’
‘Yes yes,’ snapped the Captain. ‘We know all that. Get on with it!’
‘The idea,’ explained Nawakwi, ‘is to sell off the ship to the rich foreign passengers. We shall call it direct foreign investment. We are already printing share certificates, and first class cabins are being offered to their occupants for ten thousand dollars each!’
Just then there was a juddering crash and everybody fell to the floor. In came the lieutenant again, visibly shaking.
‘We’ve hit something big, Captain! The passengers are making for the lifeboats!’
‘This ship is unsinkable!’ screamed the Captain.
‘Order them back to their cabins!’ shouted Petty Officer Sata. ‘Those who scream are deliberately trying to incite anarchy and chaos, and I shall arrest them for treason. Those who escape are traitors! I shall track them down, and tell their new captains that they are cowards who ran away from the Titanic! I shall deal with them! I have my methods!’
There was a huge crash as a wall of water burst through the cabin wall, engulfing them all. The last words of the Captain were clearly heard ...
‘Sail on, sail on! Reduce the price of the cabins! We’re unsinkable! We shall sail forever this way!’
As the Titanic sank out of sight, the few survivors in the lifeboats heard an eerie voice wafting across from the triumphant iceberg. It was the voice of Celine Dion, singing the song which has made the Captain forever famous ...
Your Captain is here
You’ve nothing to fear,
I know that my ship
Will go on and on,
You’re safe on my boat
Buy your cabin today,
As we sail on and on
Forever this way ...
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