Down to Earth

[In this Golden Oldie, first published on 4^th September 1997, Kalaki considers how Jesus might be treated if the Second Coming took place in Zambia]

Down to Earth

PART ONE: HEAVEN

‘Dad,’ said Jesus, ‘I'm getting bored up here. There's nothing to do except play draughts with Albert Einstein. And he keeps winning. Why can't I go back to Earth again, for a bit of fun?’

‘The last time I sent you down,’ replied God, ‘you got yourself into a hell of a mess. Where exactly do you want to go?’

‘Send me to Zambia. That's a Christian country now. They all love me, so I'll be alright.’

‘I'll send you down as Mutakatifu the Carpenter. And this time, can you please learn to read and write. Last time I had to employ other people how to write your story, and we finished up with four different stories.’

PART TWO: NEWS ON RADIO 4

Reports are coming in of a new religious cult in Kabwe. Thousands of people are flocking to Mulubushi Rock to hear a man called Mutakatifu the Carpenter. He is reported to be criticising the wealth and hypocrisy of government leaders.

Mr Godless Mpulumushi, Minister for Internal Repression, has criticised Mutakatifu for making an insulting statement that the people should ‘render unto Kadoli the things that are Kadoli's, and unto God the things that are God’s.’

The Minister described this statement as an abuse of free speech, tantamount to blasphemy, and completely unacceptable in a Christian nation. According to the Ten Commandments, nobody is supposed to take the name of the Lord in vain. Also, according to the Public Order Act, Mutakatifu should first apply for a permit before holding a meeting at Mulubushi Rock. Furthermore the Minister warned that nobody would be given a permit to insult the leadership of this country, and that Mutakatifu would soon feel the full force of the law. Dissidents and treasonable elements would be crushed.

PART THREE: INTERVIEW ON ZNBC

Kenneth Mpofu: Honourable Minister, Sir, can you explain to the nation why the Police had to take such drastic action against Mutakatifu? Does he not have human rights, the same as the rest of us?

Godless Mpulumushi: Of course he doesn’t, he’s a foreigner. This government was elected by citizens to look after its citizens, not foreigners. In fact we have strong evidence that his mother was a local woman who was impregnated by an alien, so he should have returned to wherever that alien came from. This is a Christian nation, but this intruder was Jewish. Typical of these Jews, he was misusing his position to mix religion and politics. In addition he was always seen wearing a long frock, so I suspect that he had the sort of sexual orientation which is illegal in this country. His long hair and beard strongly suggest contempt for authority, and probable use of illicit drugs. I am surprised, Mr Mpofu, that you should attempt to use a government television channel to try to defend such a person.

Kenneth Mpofu: What had Mutakatifu actually been saying that so annoyed the government?

Godless Mpulumushi: He was using inflammatory words such 'immorality' and 'lies' and 'theft'. Moreover, he was using such words against our Beloved Leader who was appointed by God, and therefore he was insulting God as well as our Beloved Leader, which is not only treasonable but also blasphemous.

Kenneth Mpofu: But his followers are saying that this Mutakatifu is really Jesus, come back to Earth!

Godless Mpulumushi: As a God fearing Christian, I can tell you that Jesus has already done his work, and left his Good Book behind. My humble advice to Him would be that He should stay in Heaven. There is no need for Him to come down here again, because we now have our Beloved Leader in charge of all development projects, and therefore ensuring the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. But as a student of the Good Book, I can assure you that the real Jesus never said anything about coming back. Certainly nothing about coming back to Kabwe.

Kennth Mpofu: But why did the police attack Mutakatifu and his followers? They were only trying to hold a meeting to discuss why Kabwe has become a ghost town, why the people are starving and the children dying of lead poisoning.

Godless Mpulumushi: Obviously if you use inflammatory words in front of a gun, it is likely to go off. Unfortunately that is precisely what happened. It is of course most unfortunate that Mutakatifu was hit by twenty-eight bullets, but it is clear that he had only himself to blame.

Kenneth Mpofu: People are accusing you of having planned his assassination. What do you say to that?

Kenneth Mpofu: The only person who has accused me of that is the leader of the opposition. We have now locked him up, and he will be appearing in court tomorrow. We believe in the rule of law.

Kenneth Mpofu: His followers say this man was Jesus, and this was His Second Coming. Is it possible that you have been responsible for His Second Going? Do you think that perhaps you could have made a mistake? Should you apologise?

Godless Mpulumushi: Good God No! As a good Christian, whatever I do is God's will. To apologise would imply that God had made a mistake!

Kenneth Mpofu: Any regrets?

Godless Mpulumushi: With the wisdom of hindsight, I think the bullets were a mistake. As a Christian nation, I think we should have crucified him.

PART FOUR: BACK IN HEAVEN

‘Hullo Son, you're soon back. Even sooner than last time. What went wrong?’

‘Oh My Dad!’ said Jesus, ‘it was worse than last time. Pompous Pilate was bad enough, but this time I ran into the Devil himself. I wasn't even given a trial! Just bang! And that was it!’

‘You should have listened to what Alice Lenshina told you aboutZambia,’ said God. ‘But I hope you learned to read and write this time.’

‘That part was the same as before, the schools are only for the rich. But I met a very nice man to write my book. His name is Spectator Kalaki.’

‘Oh Christ!’ said God.