Women’s Day

[In this Golden Oldie, first published on 5^th March 1998, women celebrate Women’s Day by taking over the government]

Women’s Day

‘Good evening. This is the ZNBC news. I am your newscaster, Evelyn Tembo.’

‘And I'm Namakau Mukelebai,’ said the other one.

‘And I am Spectator Kalaki!’ I shouted at the TV. ‘Now get on with the news!’

‘Headlines this evening,’ said Evelyn, ‘are that Chiluba is replaced by Chiluba in a bloodless coup; Women celebrate Women’s Day; Presidents Mandela and Clinton both congratulate Zambia; Argentina beats England 12-0. Now for the first item, here is Namakau.’

‘The women of Zambia,’ began Namakau, ‘today celebrated Women’s Day by taking over the government. So now we go over to Loveless Nthani for an exclusive interview with the new President, Ms Vera Chiluba ...’

‘Good morning, Madame President. How does it feel to be in charge this morning?’

‘Well, not much different. I have been taking over from my husband for some time. He has been under a lot of strain recently, and has become very depressed. Almost everybody has been refusing to talk to him. And if anybody offered to talk to him, he refused. The situation was becoming impossible.’

‘So was it you who decided to take charge?’

‘It all began last week when I arranged a coffee morning for ministers’ wives, to see how to celebrate Women’s Day. It was quite a big gathering, because our twenty six ministers have eighty nine wives. We all agreed it was time to step in.’

‘But do we women have the experience to run the government?’

‘Traditionally, African government was run by women. It was women who organised the household and took the economic decisions. In those days we had very good governance. Men were largely unnecessary, and would spend most of their time entertaining themselves with drinking, sport, warfare and other forms of useless activity and male mischief.’

‘Then who ran the state?’

‘In pre-colonial times, there was no state. There was only a domestic economy. It was the British who introduced the public domain of governance. Then they ran it themselves, since it was all their idea.’

‘So how did it happen, at independence, that these useless men managed to take over this new public domain?’

‘Well, you’re too young to remember, but the British didn’t have time to organise things properly. You see, the British had to get out of Zambia quick, after Julia Chikamoneka organised all the women to chase them. They had to hand over everything on a Monday evening, and then all scoot on the Tuesday morning. Seeing all these idle men, just sitting around with nothing to do, it seemed better to give them something to occupy themselves. Since the women were all busy producing the food and bringing up children, it looked like they didn’t have time to spend all day talking nonsense in parliament. So that’s how it happened that the British accidentally handed over to the men instead of the women.’

‘You seem to be very well read on these matters.’

‘Oh yes. My husband brought a lot of books back from Warwick, but he never bothered to read them, because he thought he knew everything already. So I thought I’d read them instead.’

‘That was Loveless interviewing our new President,’ said Evelyn, as the camera returned us to the studio. ‘The new Minister for Legal Affairs, Ms Venus Milambo, has just announced that the State of Emergency has been lifted, but all members of the Police Force have been arrested for misusing it.’

‘The new Minister for Defence, Ms Victoria Sampa, has announced that, with immediate effect, all the army’s war toys have been confiscated because they are too expensive and dreadfully dangerous. Instead, the soldiers have been given video games to play with.’

‘On the international front,’ said Namakau, ‘congratulations are coming in from all over the world. President Winnie Mandela sends her congratulations, and a lorry load of rubber necklaces. President Hilary Clinton congratulates the women of Zambia for restoring the country to good governance. Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton has been sent to a sanatorium for the sexually exhausted.’

‘In a first for Zambia, Sister Auxilia Ponga has been appointed Pope. This was announced from Heaven by the new God, Mother Mary. The former pope has been appointed Mother Superior at Assisi.’

‘And on the sports front,’ announced Evelyn, ‘Argentina has smashed all soccer records by beating England 12-0. When asked for the secret of their success, the Argentinian captain, Maria Maradona, was quoted as saying ‘Ya sniffa da coke, ya getta da goal’.

‘And now a late item just coming in,’ said Evelyn. ‘The President has just announced that the Constitution has been amended, striking out the controversial clause that a presidential candidate must be indigenous. In future any citizen can stand as president, provided she is female and named Vera.’

I opened my eyes. The sun was streaming into the bedroom. Sara was nibbling my ear. ‘You were dreaming about somebody called Vera. Have you got a girlfriend?’

‘It was a nightmare,’ I said.

‘When we first got married,’ she said, stroking my belly, ‘you used to be very romantic in the morning.’

‘Don’t talk about that,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a terrible headache.’

‘Poor dear,’ she said, ‘must be the time of the month.’