From Humanism to Dogism
Every morning I wake myself up with Radio 4. On Tuesday, it was still very early when I stretched out a hand and pressed the button on the radio. After Lucky Dube had faded away, I found myself listening to the persuasive voice of President Kadoli…
‘You see, Emelda, democracy is all about economics. Democracy is a free market of ideas and commodities. To operate in this market, you have to have brains and money.’
‘And long fingers, Mr. President?’
‘I hope you haven’t been reading the The Post again. There is no evidence at all that I have long fingers. The one thing you must know about me is that I am short. Everything is short. You ask Hope.’
‘So how have you and your ministers all become so rich?’
‘Brains, money and hard work. That is what is needed. Democracy is a competition for scarce resources. But if you are not willing to work, then democracy cannot work. These Zambians are very backward. It will take a thousand years to introduce democracy here!’
‘But in 1991 you said you had already introduced democracy, when we chased Munshumfwa!’
‘I have since discovered that they are not ready for democracy. Welensky was right about that. That is why I fiddled with the Constitution. You cannot have democracy on an empty stomach. I told the people then, and I am telling them now, that they have to sacrifice. They have to work hard! No work, no democracy!’
‘But have a heart, Mr. President. The people are starving worse than under Humanism. Recently the workers asked the minister of Hard Labour, Peter Machusa, to increase the basic wage. But he told them they were just yapping like dogs. Have we gone from Humanism to Dogism?’
‘I don’t think he should have used the word dogs. Hope prefers to call them creatures.’
‘So what is it that you are saying, Mr. Kadoli? Are we yapping like dogs, or yapping like some other creatures?’
‘I didn’t say the people aren’t dogs, I just said the minister shouldn’t have said it.’
‘But the workers are starving to death. What are you going to do about it?’
‘They have to be governed by the laws of economics just like all of us. Even dogs are governed by the laws of economics, although the stupid creatures don’t know it.’
‘But what are you going to tell them about increasing their wages?’
‘I shall just continue to tell them there is no money.’
‘But you and your ministers have just given yourselves a big pay rise. Where did that money come from if there is no money?’
‘That was different. That was our reward from the International Monetary Fund for starving the workers to death.’
‘So what should the poor workers do now, Mr. President?’
‘How should I know? If the dogs don’t work, and only yap, I suppose they’ll all starve to death. This is a natural result of economic democracy!’
‘Won’t they go on strike?’
‘Strikes have always been the main cause of the workers’ poverty. Without production, the poor creatures can’t be paid any thing at all. That’s why, following Old Munshumfwa’s tradition, we give every union leader a small car and a large beer allowance, so that they’re always too drunk to organize a strike.’
‘But suppose the starving workers still go on strike?’
‘There’s several things we can do. We can’t reveal to the workers that their union leaders have been taking bribes. We can cancel the recognition agreement. Then we call the mobile unit and beat them all to a pulp.’
‘Suppose your poor dogs stop yapping and start to bite? Suppose they all come looking for you?’
At that point there was a sound of barking in the background. Then a loud bang. Then a scream. Then silence. Just the crackling noise of the radio.
I rose vertically out of the bed, and shouted at Sara. ‘Something has happened to Kadoli. He’s gone to the dogs. He’s been eaten! I think they have taken over the radio station! It must be a coup d’etat!
‘Don’t be silly,’ said Sara calmly. ‘You turned on the radio and fell asleep again. Just like you always do. You were just dreaming! It’s past nine. Can you stop talking nonsense, and get out of bed!
‘I heard it on radio!’ I insisted. ‘It sounded like a coup d’etat!’
‘No,’ she replied firmly, ‘Just a dream.’
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