Eternal Life

[This article was first published in The Post on 12th August 2004]

Eternal Life

‘Turn on the Zambia News Bias Channel,’ said Sara, ‘and let’s see if they’re still giving us less value for more money.

‘They might be showing Lurid Pornography,’ I said.

‘No,’ said Sara, ‘he was fired last week for indecently exposing himself.’

The fuzzy picture revealed a crowd of people sitting outside a huge parody of State House, all colonnades and arches and minarets, and built in the middle of a vast empty landscape of windswept bush. ‘Holy Dollar!’ I gasped, ‘what sort of a God forsaken place is that?’

‘That,’ laughed Sara, ‘is what the upper class call a farm.’

So what are they all doing there, sitting on sofas in the middle of the desert?

We are privileged,’ said Sara, ‘to have a rare peep at how the other half dies. This is a genuine apamwamba funeral!’

‘What!’ I gasped. ‘ZNBC doing an outside broadcast? I thought they never go further than filming the road accidents which happen right outside their own front gate!’

‘That’s not entirely fair,’ laughed Sara. ‘The main job of their cameras is to trail behind government ministers, like flies following a corpse.’

The hearse drew up in front of the army of sofas, as the hushed and respectful commentary of Henry Nglazi interrupted our own interpretation of events. ‘For viewers who have just joined us, you are privileged to be watching the funeral of the Right Honourable Corruption, one of the founder members of the Maize Marketing Disaster. His coffin is now being carried to the graveside by the eight deadly sins, Pride, Avarice, Lust, Anger, Gluttony, Envy, Sloth and Hypocrisy…’

‘I thought there were only seven deadly sins,’ I said.

‘Here we’ve got one extra,’ said Sara, ‘funded by the World Bank.’

The next scene was later, showing the burial mound of flowers, and the Great Leader climbing an anthill to praise the departed. ‘Distinguished Thieves, Chisellers, Scoundrels, Deputy Scoundrels, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our sad duty today to say goodbye to Corruption…’

‘Mmmmmmmm,’ went a low murmur round the crowd.

‘They’re annoyed,’ said Sara, ‘that he seems to praise Corruption, when he’s been trying to get rid of him for years.’

‘Most of you here today,’ continued the Great Leader, ‘were the friends of Corruption. You achieved your success in life with the help of Corruption. You thought you would always have Corruption help you get out of a tight corner. But now he is gone. So you are now faced with a great challenge, to maintain your positions in public life, now that you cannot rely on Corruption. Because I promise you that Corruption is now gone forever, dead and buried, and he will never come back. We have come here today to witness the end of Corruption, and to bury him forever.’

Then up jumped a member of the Corruption family. ‘Some of us may speak as if we never used Corruption in achieving high office. But I should remind you that everybody here was touched by Corruption, because he provided the basic strategy that lay at the heart of the Movement for Massive Deception. Right from the beginning we were faced with the dilemma of how God could appoint the best people as our leaders, despite democracy giving the vote to the ignorant, the illiterate, and the lower classes. It was Corruption that gave us the answer to this problem. Now we are lost without him.’

‘Isn’t this blasphemy?’ I wondered.

‘Hah!’ Sara cackled, ‘How can you worry about blasphemy, if you don’t believe in God.’

‘Well,’ I said. ‘If I believed in God, then I’d say it was blasphemy.’

‘Yes’ said Sara. ‘If your aunt had been a man, she’d have been your uncle.’

Now Bishop Bling Bling climbed the anthill, his gold chains glinting in the morning sun. ‘Do not be afraid, my Christian brothers, but be of good faith. Our brother Corruption has not disappeared entirely, for his soul lives on, and moves amongst us as I speak. We shall remember his teaching, and we shall remain as his followers.’

So saying, the Bishop opened his bible, saying ‘I commend to you this passage from the Gospel according to St Kalaki, Chapter 5, Verses 2-7,

‘Blessed are the poor

for they are easily bought,

Blessed are the meek

for they are easily bullied,

Blessed are the gullible

for they swallow any story,

Blessed are the starving

for they attract donor funding,

Blessed are the unemployed

for they bring more investors.

But above all, O Lord,

Blessed are the rich

for they are appointed by God

to inherit the Earth.

Amen.’

‘And blessed are the Members of the House of Parasites,’ I snarled, ‘for they shall be given their gratuities.’