Last Sunday morning I was sitting on the verandah when along came my daughter Kupela, just back from Sunday school.
‘Hullo,’ I said, ‘what did you learn today?’
‘The teacher was trying to explain the Ten Commandments,’ she said, ‘but to me, some of them seemed very peculiar.’
‘Give me an example,’ I said. ‘I was made to read the Sacred Testament when I was at school, and I can still remember the funny bits.’
‘Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Now what on Earth does that mean?’
‘It means,’ I said, ‘that you must not claim the authority of God to justify your own personal behaviour, or to support your own position.’
‘Give me an example,’ said Kupela.
‘The best example is the story of King Kadoli, who lived a long time ago. He became King at the time when the missionaries were destroying our religion and introducing Christianity. He had a terrible habit of claiming that he had been appointed by God, when in fact he had been chosen by the missionaries.’
‘But surely everybody must have known he had been chosen by the missionaries, and not by God.’ said Kupela.
‘Yes. But the King claimed that God had guided the decision of the missionaries, so that they really had no choice in the matter!’
‘So was God annoyed?’ asked Kupela.
‘Extremely,’ I said. ‘Because every time King Kadoli took a foolish and unpopular decision, he claimed he had been directed by God. He always found a quotation from the Sacred Testament to justify his actions.’
‘So did God allow him to get away with it?’ asked Kupela.
‘God sent the Archangel Gabriel, who appeared to the King in a dream, telling him
Take the blame,
don't use God's name.
Follow the rule,
don't be a fool.
If you cheat,
you'll feel the heat!
In those days, everybody spoke in verse. Especially angels.’
‘So did he stop doing it?’ asked Kupela.
‘Not at all,’ I replied. ‘The very next day King Kadoli declared that only he was allowed to interpret the Sacred Testament. He said the Archangel Gabriel had appeared to him in a dream, and appointed him Defender of the Faith. Therefore all the priests should keep quiet, and listen to him. That very night the city market went up in flames!’
‘Punishment from the Lord?’ asked Kupela.
‘Just as the Archangel had promised. The priests were furious. They said the King was guilty of heresy, and that he had brought divine punishment upon the whole nation.’
‘So did he keep quiet after that?’ asked Kupela.
‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘The day after the priests had spoken, little Kadoli climbed up onto his throne, puffed out his little chest, and declared that nobody could criticise him, since only God could be his judge! Later that day there was a mysterious fire in his palace, which was burnt to the ground!’
‘I think by then he had learned his lesson,’ said Kupela.
‘According to the first rule of pomposity,’ I said, ‘pride replaces rationality. So now King Kadoli went on the offensive. He called all the people to the Great Anthill, and declared that the fires had been started by his enemies, the priests.
‘He claimed that the priests were trying to destroy him, because they were jealous that God had appointed him to speak God's word. Now that the priests had no job, they were out to cause trouble! He declared that the priests would feel the wrath of the Lord!
‘Suddenly, smoke was seen coming up from where he stood. Then his trousers burst into flames. Within a minute he was cremated on the spot! His scream lasted longer than he did!’
‘And everybody just watched?’ asked Kupela. ‘Couldn’t somebody throw water upon him? Or beat out the flames?’
‘No chance,’ I said. ‘This was Holy Fire. In such cases of divine retribution, everybody is rooted to the spot. Transcendentally transfixed. There's nothing anybody can do, except stand and watch.’
We both sat still for a moment, thinking about divine retribution. But our comtemplative silence was punctured by a piercing cry from the kitchen. ‘Aaaagh! The fat's on fire! Aaaagh! Fire!’
‘Now look what you've done!’ Kupela shouted at me. ‘You've been taking the Lord's name in vain!’
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