[This piece was published on 5th February 1998, at a time when President Bill Clinton was having problems with his Willy]
Billy and Willy
As the distinguished foreign correspondent of The Post, I am fortunate to be invited to all the diplomatic cocktail parties in town. Last Thursday evening I found myself at the gold-plated residence of the Ginerian High Commissioner, where he was celebrating thirty years of military brutality and suppression of democracy.
I was refilling my glass with another pint of blood when I bumped into my counterpart, the foreign correspondent of The Washington Post, our American subsidiary.
‘Hey Bob,’ I said, ‘what’s the gossip from Washington? Did Clinton really do it?’
‘Which Clinton?’ he said. ‘Billy or Willy?’
‘I thought we just had Billy. Whose Willy?’
‘All leaders have split personalities. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. At the polls we see only Dr Jekyll, and that’s the one we elect. But inside there’s a Mr Hyde, waiting to get out. Of course once the public finds out about Mr Hyde, Dr Jekyll is finished!’
‘Like Richard Nixon and Tricky Dicky,’ I suggested.
‘Exactly,’ he said. When Richard Nixon revealed his Tricky Dicky, that was the end of Nixon.
‘So Bill Clinton, does he also have a Tricky Dicky, waiting to burst out?’
‘More than a Tricky Dicky, the problem is that he has a very Busy Dicky. But with Billy, his Busy Dicky is known as Willy. To begin with, we only knew Billy. But gradually he began to have problems with Willy. Before he had been in the White House, his Willy began to pop out all over the place.’
‘So what’s the difference between Billy and Willy?’
‘Billy is a clever and calculating operator. He’s ruled by his head. We call him Clinical Clinton. He’s a real straight guy. But as soon as darkness falls, something else happens. Maybe he got hold of Dr Jekyll’s magic mixture. Suddenly, Billy is all Willy!’
‘And I’m told that Willy not straight?’
‘Good gracious no. Just the opposite of Billy. Willy is as bent as a cucumber. Crooked and twisted. He is a sexual predator, preying on the innocent. He hides in the White House broom cupboards, waiting to pounce! If any young woman should pass, out pop’s Billy’s Willy! Like a chameleon catching a fly!’
‘So Clinton is a really Silly Billy.’
‘No, Billy is not a Silly Billy. The only problem is that he’s got a Silly Willy.’
‘But surely you have to blame Billy. Isn’t he the one responsible for his Willy?’
‘It’s not that simple,’ sighed Bob. ‘You see, there are two contradictory personalities here. Billy Clinton believes in equal rights for women. He’s always speaking out against sexual harassment and the sexual exploitation of women. Daytime Billy is real smart. He is Billy the intellectual, ruled by his head. When Billy is in charge, he keeps his Willy under control.’
‘And when night falls, he changes into a werewolf?’
‘Something like that. His head loses control, and his Willy takes over! Night-time Willy expands into a monster. Nothing but throbbing flesh and pubic hair. No brains at all. He is ruled only by lust and the pleasures of the flesh. Nobody is safe.’
‘Can nobody control Billy’s Willy?’
‘Only Hilary,’ he replied. ‘As soon as Willy sees Hilary, he shrivels to nothing and disappears. He behaves like a good Billy again. That’s why Hilary sees only Billy. Just about everybody in the White House has seen Billy’s Willy. Except Hilary. She’s never seen Willy.’
‘So why is Willy so scared of Hilary?’
‘She is powerful, and she frightens him. Like all bullies, he likes to pick on the powerless. When he finds a defenceless young woman, he is very big and brave and ruthless. And after he has had his way, he casts her aside like trash.’
‘But Hilary thinks her Billy is marvellous, and absolutely innocent!’
‘And she’s right! Billy is completely innocent! The only problem is with his Willy!’
‘So will clever Billy go to war with Iraq to try to divert attention from his Silly Willy?’
‘It’s not as simple as that,’ said Bob. ‘At the moment, the problem of Billy’s delinquent Willy is just Washington gossip. But if Billy pursues Saddam any further, it is quite possible that his Willy could be publicly exposed!’
‘Really? Why do you say that?’
‘The problem is Richard Butler and the UN Weapons Inspectors. In order to be seen to be fair to both sides, they now have to search presidential palaces in America. Starting with the White House!’
‘So long as they come in the daytime,’ I said, ‘then Billy will be in control.’
‘That’s the worrying thing,’ he replied. ‘in the dark of the night the dreadful twisted Willy is rumoured to lurk amongst the bushes of the Rose Garden. With his night vision binoculars, Butler
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘this must be the weapon of mass destruction they are all looking for!’
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