Crash

[This Golden Oldie was published on 30th August 2001, just after the MMD National Convention]

As she came in the door she looked more like an Angolan refugee, one arm bandaged, and limping on a crutch.

‘Auntie Lillian!’ screeched Sara. ‘What happened? Has the bastard beaten you again?’

‘I’m one of only two survivors from the Mulungushi bus crash. Get me a tot, and I’ll tell you all about it.’

After a couple of gulps of the altar wine she was able to begin her story. ‘I was on my way to Luanshya to visit Auntie Christine…’

‘You didn’t make the mistake of getting on a Jafeero bus?’

‘No. It belonged to Motors of Many Directions, the MMD. Problems began at Kamwala Bus Station, when a noisy old bus conductor came on board with his gang of ng’wang’wazi, shoutingThe president of the MMD has reserved all the front seats for the directors of the company, and other delegates going to the Shareholders’ Meeting!’

‘My God! muttered a young mwenye sitting infront of me, its Satan himself!’

‘What did you say? roared the ruffian.

‘Is this bus for the passengers? replied the mwenye, or for the personal use of the president of the bus company?

‘I can tell from your appearance that you’re a foreigner!Satan screamed, as three of the ng’wang’wazi airlifted the unfortunate mwenye out of his seat, and threw him out the window.

‘My God!’ I said. ‘Why on earth didn’t you get off the bus? Couldn’t you see things were going wrong?’

‘Ah,’ sighed Lillian, taking another gulp of the altar wine. ‘I put my trust in the Lord.’

‘And was the driver sober?’

‘That was the frightening thing,’ replied Lillian. ‘He was obviously drunk.’

‘On what? Kachasu?’

‘Drunk with power, more likely,’ said Lillian. ‘Little fellow called Kafupi Kanono. He had become the president of the bus company at the time of the management buyout. Before that he was a bus conductor. Apparently the promotion went to his head, and he became pompous and impossible.’

‘So how did the accident happen?’

‘As soon as we set out from Lusaka, his behaviour became wild and erratic. He started shouting I am the greatest driver in the world! Was I not given a PhD for Pothole Dodging? Ha ha! Was I not appointed by God! Believe in me and I shall take you all to heaven! He was speeding and swerving, with passengers being thrown from side to side.’

‘Didn’t people complain?’

‘Every time somebody screamed, Satan stood up and said You’re expelled from the bus for lack of discipline and not respecting the president! Then the ng’wang’wazi descended on the offender, and threw him out the window.

‘Wasn’t there a roadblock, where you could complain to the police?’

‘At the Kabwe roadblock one old man with whiskers got out and spoke to the policeman, telling him that the bus had bald tyres, no indicators and loose steering. But the policeman replied that since the bus has blue paint it could just go ahead.’

‘And did the old man get back on the bus?’

‘No. He was arrested for not having a road travel permit. He couldn’t pay the fine of two hundred pins.’

‘But there’s no such thing as a road travel permit.’

‘Try telling that to a man with an AK47.’

‘So how did the accident happen?’

‘The bus and the passengers were all screaming along the road to Mulungushi, with Kafupi shouting I have the mandate! I have the bus! I have the passengers! I have the loyalty! Then we saw the bus veer wildly off the road as we plunged towards Mulungushi and … bang! Everything went black! We had hit the Rock of Authority!

‘I must have been thrown out the back window. When I woke up, the remains of the bus were a terrible sight. Twisted and dismembered bodies lay everywhere. All as quiet as death. The great MMD bus had destroyed itself.

‘Then along the road came another MMD bus, written Missionto the Mighty Deity. It stopped at the scene of the accident, and out climbed a huge man, dressed in a long white sheet. And he spoke to the mangled corpses, saying I am your new driver, Mwansa Mwelesa, I have come to take you to heaven as your leader promised. Arise, pick up your limbs, and board the bus!’

‘So their sins were forgiven them!’

‘Yes. But their licence was revoked!’

‘Mwansa Mwelesa!’ I said. ‘I though he was dead!’

‘So he is,’ laughed Sara. ‘He died in another MMD accident, years ago. Brains all over the road.’

‘What about Satan? Did he get in the bus?’

‘They all refused to have him, shouting that Satan could never go to heaven. But a bit later a PF bus came by, and he got in that.’

‘PF?’

‘Yes. Permanent Fiasco!’