[This Golden Oldie was first published on 4th December 1997]
Paternity Potential
Last week I was in the Republic of Bukankala
‘I’m Spectator Kalaki’ I said, holding out my hand to the Minister, ‘Foreign Correspondent of The Daily Disaster.’
‘But why come here?’ she asked. ‘We haven’t had a disaster here for the past twenty years!’
‘And that’s precisely why I’m here,’ I replied. ‘I want to know why everything works so well in Bukankala! What is the secret of your economic miracle? According to the Global Bank, your per capita national income is $10,000.’
‘We have overcome the false start of the colonial government,’ she replied.
‘So where did they go wrong?’ I asked.
‘Those whites came from a strange country, where men worked in factories, and women stayed to look after the home. So when they came here, they recruited men for their new factories.’
‘Was that wrong?’
‘Absolutely hopeless,’ she replied. ‘According to our tradition, it is women who do all the productive work, as well as looking after the children.’
‘And the men?’
‘They are not brought up to do hard work. They just sit around drinking beer, talking politics and making trouble. They father our children, but they have no other practical use.’
‘So how did you solve this uneconomic colonial hangover?’ I asked. ‘Once the men had been given all the jobs, could you shift them out?’
‘It began almost accidentally,’ she replied, ‘when the few women in wage employment won the right to maternity leave. Then the men got jealous, and claimed that they should have paternity leave!’
‘But didn’t they have equal right?’ I asked.
‘Of course they had to be given equal rights, even though they are economically useless. You know very well that our Bukankalan men don’t stay at home to help look after newborn babies! By asking for paternity leave they were being deliberately mischievous!’
‘So things got worse?’
‘No, that was the unexpected outcome. Things got much better. When the men made the mistake of giving themselves paternity leave, that was the beginning of our economic miracle!’
‘I’m getting lost. Can you explain?’
‘The men were led by Bupumbu Bupuba. His idea of paternity leave was that a man would be free to go and father more children! That’s why they called it paternity leave.’
‘Is that what happened?’
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘With four wives and several girlfriends, a man can easily father four children in a year. In that way, he could be continuously on paternity leave!’
‘So Bupuba hadn’t thought of that?’
‘He was called Bupuba because his thinking was more pubic than public. He wasn’t analytical or mathematical. But we had to change the rules for paternity leave after one Permanent Secretary couldn’t be retired. At retirement age, he had twenty-five years of accumulated paternity leave still pending!’
‘Perhaps he was called the Permanent Secretary because he was permanently missing!’
‘You’re almost right,’ she laughed. ‘He was originally called the Permanent Secretary because of his permanent paternity potential. Such a hard and upright man! Nobody dared to get in the elevator with him! We were very relieved when he went took his permanent potential on permanent paternity leave!’
‘Only rural women know how to soften a hard man like that!’ I said, trying to sound knowledgeable. ‘So are all the men now on continuous paternity leave?’
‘Exactly. That’s the secret of our economic miracle,’ she said. ‘We women took over all the jobs, and began the work of national reconstruction. Once we had taken over the government, our national miracle began.’
‘But isn’t it uneconomic, paying a double wage bill of women working and men fathering?’
‘Not at all,’ she retorted. ‘Our factories are now working at full capacity. Women can now collect their half of the national income. They can invest it, instead of having to watch the men drink it, or spend it on their girlfriends!’
Just then the door opened, and in came a man with a tray of tea and biscuits. He put it down on the table, bowed to the Minister, and left.
‘I thought all the men were on paternity leave,’ I said.
‘That is the original Mr Bupumbu Bupuba that started the whole thing,’ said the Minister. ‘The irony of the whole story is that his paternity potential is permanently paralysed. He’s quite harmless. So we allow him to make the tea and run the nursery.’
‘Run the nursery?’
‘Yes.’ she said. ‘And UNICEF is training him to do the breastfeeding.’
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