Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Empty Day

[This Golden Oldie was first published on 19th March 1998]

Last Thursday Sara and I were having a late breakfast, when in walked Kupela.

‘What are you doing here?’ I said, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at school!’

‘Today’s a public holiday,’ she said. ‘It’s Empty Day!’

‘Empty Day? What’s that?’

‘You should read the papers,’ said Kupela. ‘The previous government used to have national days to boast of its achievements. We used to have Youth Day, Heroes Day,
Unity Day and Independence Day.’

‘So what do we have now?’

‘Now we have Empty Day, Nothing Day, Vacuum Day and Vacant Day.’
‘What are we supposed to do on Empty Day? Contemplate the infinite?’

‘Just turn on the TV,’ said Kupela, ‘and all will be explained.’

The picture showed the scene at the statute of the Freedom Ninja, who was still making slow progress in breaking his chains. A small rented crowd surrounded a little Grade Five pupil, who was in the middle of reading a speech to the Great Leader ...

‘... we are most humbly grateful to you, Esteemed Excellency, for giving us our empty schools. We know that in previous times there were some schools which had desks and books, and other schools which didn’t.

‘This was very undemocratic, Most Illustrious Excellency,’ continued the little parrot. ‘It meant some schools were favoured above others. It was government interference with free competition. We therefore appreciate your government’s efforts in levelling the playing field, by ensuring that all schools are equally empty.’

‘That’s my friend Musonda’s little sister, Chilanda Chilandelande,’ said Kupela. ‘She spent the past month learning to parrot that speech, which was written by the Chief Bootlicker in the Ministry of Youth and Spoof.’

Finally the little parrot went back to her perch, and His Most Illustrious Excellency himself stepped up to the microphone ...

‘Despite her youth,’ began His Excellency, ‘this young citizen from Posele Primary has explained to the nation the essential philosophy of Empty Day. Empty Day makes space for the people.

‘Our former leaders declared themselves to be Heroes, to be worshipped on Heroes Day. But then we discovered that our Heroes were thieves, poachers and drug smugglers. We cannot have a national day for them!

‘The former Youth Day,’ explained His Historical Excellency, ‘was celebrated by the same people for thirty years, until they grew old and grey, and even bald. All of these geriatric youths have now been retrenched.

‘Independence Day disappeared when our Independence was sold to the IMF for seven billion dollars. We shall never be able to buy it back.

‘Every time one of these national days came round, Megalomania Munshumfwa extended government control. In those days we had import control, export control, price control, exchange control, slogan control and curfew control. Everything was under control. Except for Mad Munshumfwa, who went out of control.

‘In the name of freedom,’ exulted His Excellency, ‘my government has removed these controls. Without these controls, we are leaving a great empty space, to be filled by individual initiative and self-reliance. It is you, my citizens, who must fill this great empty space which has been left by your government. This is your chance! This is your challenge!

‘As my small friend Chilanda Chilandelande has so ably explained, an important example of this extension of opportunity is to be found in government provision of empty schools. If parents are interested in education, it is for them to buy the desks and books, and pay the teachers.

‘This will give parents a great incentive to work hard, in order to invest in their children’s future. Individual investment is the basis of free enterprise. Education has been privatised. Your children’s heads will remain empty unless you make an educational investment. Your empty government remains empty to all ideas, because all initiative and ideas have been now handed over to the private sector. The job of government is merely to provide an enabling environment around this empty space which must be filled with private initiative.’

‘This is known as the Philosophy of Emptiness,’ explained Kupela. ‘We’re learning about it in Civics.’

‘Most of my ministers’ former responsibilities have now been privatised,’ continued His Philosophical Excellency. ‘Only residual government functions remain. In addition to having a Minister of Schooling without Education, we now have a Minister of Agriculture without Food.

‘Further successes in our Policy of Emptiness have been the creation of Law Without Justice, Detention Without Trial, and Torture Without Mercy. The Minister of Mines without Mines now becomes a Minister without Portfolio. When all Ministers are without Portfolio, their sole function will be to collect tax revenue, and spend it upon themselves. This is what we mean by efficient government. May God bless you all!’

‘Ministers without Portfolio!’ laughed Sara. ‘God without Morality! Government without Scruples! Corruption without End!’

Kupela stood up and saluted, ‘One Zambia, One Vacuum!’

‘But how will they win the next election?’ asked Sara.

‘Easily,’ said Kupela. ‘Empty ballot boxes will be their greatest achievement.’



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