Knees Tremble

[This Golden Oldie was first published on 29^th August 1996, at the time of the so-called ‘Black Mamba Plot’. Rather like the similar antics of today, the MMD government was busy manipulating the judicial system in order to stick absurd charges of sedition and treason upon its perceived political enemies.]

Knees Tremble

I well remember the day when I went to see my old friend Wabukupeme Wamulomo, when he was still Minister of Misinformation. We had been talking about the old day at the University of Lumpens, when we were interrupted by a knock at his office door. In came Scarlet Duo, of the famous Tasintha.

'Mwapoleni, Ba Scarlet,' exclaimed Wabukupeme, 'are you still saving fallen women from their immoral activities?'

'No, we've given that up,' said Scarlet. 'Donor pressure has led us to change policy. We are now interested in saving politicians from their corrupt activities, and leading them into an honest way of earning a living.'

'Ha Ha,' said Wabukupeme, 'I hope you haven't come to save me!'

'Well, actually I have,' replied Scarlet calmly. 'I just heard on the radio that you've been fired, so I thought I'd find an honest occupation for you!'

'My God! An honest occupation! I’ve been a minister for years! How can I adjust at my age? What did I do wrong? Did I accidentally tell the truth?’

'Apparently you told the Daily Revelation exactly how the party prevents women from standing as candidates,' said Scarlet.

'Oh My God!' said poor Wabukupeme, 'I thought I was lying! But perhaps it was the truth! So what am I to do now? Have you got a job lined up for me?'

'Yes,' said Scarlet. 'I've got a nice little number for you at the Pa Modzi, selling sexual favours.'

'What! Isn't that illegal?' asked Wabukupeme.

'That's what I used to think,' said Scarlet, 'But I've since found out that prostitution has never been illegal in this country. It was your previous activities, of lying to parliament and stealing from the public purse, which were illegal. But you are entirely entitled to sell your sexual services. And from what I have heard about your equipment, there should be many female customers who will appreciate what you've got, and be willing to pay for it.

'But where will they get the money?' asked Wabukupeme, who was beginning to get interested.

'Not local women,' laughed Scarlet, 'but from modern countries, where women are allowed to have their own money. You can do your patriotic duty by earning foreign exchange.'

I never heard anything more about Wafubi's new career until last week, when my eye was caught by a headline in the Daily Scandal - EX-MINISTER IN COURT. Naturally I rushed to Lusaka Central Prison to see if I could help my old friend.

'What happened?' I asked Wabukupeme, when I was finally allowed into his cell.

'Ten policemen burst into my hotel room and arrested me on the spot.'

'What for? I thought prostitution was not against the law!'

'For being in possession of a vibrator,' said Wabukupeme. 'The Inspector walked straight to the bed, and pulled it out from under the mattress. But what would I want with such a thing? I have my own equipment, generously provided by God. I never needed that sort of assistance in order to entertain my customers. They must have planted it!'

'But even if he did find you with one, there's no law against having a vibrator, or even using it!'

'That's what I told the Inspector, but he just shouted Don't tell me about the law, I am the law! This vibrator is seditious material. I am arresting you for treason!

'Seditious material? Treason? What nonsense is this?'

'According to what the Inspector told the magistrate, this is one of the new seditious vibrators being made in Libya. It is an ultrasonic vibrator, which causes vibrations for miles around. When it vibrates, the whole government shakes. All their trousers fall down, and they all get excited simultaneously. This leaves the whole government very vulnerable to a coup d'etat, and also causes much trembling of the knees. So I've been charged with trying to bring down the government, by bringing down their trousers!'

'Look,' I said, 'don't worry. The charge has obviously been trumped up. I can get you off in no time at all. But first tell me honestly, is there something else behind all this? What else have you done?'

'Well,' he said, 'I've resigned from the Movement for Murdering Democracy and joined the Political Prostitutes Party.'

'Oh My God,' I said, 'they'll have you in here for ever.' We were so frightened that we hugged each other, holding each other tight. But there must have been a vibrator somewhere, for our knees began to tremble.'