Independence

[This Golden Oldie was first published on 20th October 2004, and gives a glimpse of the Great King Muwelewele preparing to celebrate Independence Day...]

Independence

The king was sitting on his veranda eating a hearty breakfast, and watching a small army of workers putting up huge tarpaulins. Suddenly, round the corner came a suited lackey, dragging a ragged street kid by the ear.

‘Uh huh, ah ha, erum,’ said the king, coughing up a large globule of caviar, ‘whatee, whatee is the usee of an electric fencee, ifee, ifee they just climb over. We must increasee the voltagee until they screamee!’

‘No no, Your Majesty,’ said the lackey, as he threw the bag of whining rags onto the polished terrazzo, ‘I found this one in a drain inCairo Road. You remember. For Sunday’s celebrations.’

‘Oh, ah yes! Quite right! What’s happening on Sunday?’

‘Independence Celebrations, Your Majesty. You asked for a child to read the usual speech thanking the government for their independence.’

‘But nottee a streettee kiddee,’ spluttered the king. ‘Where’s that nice girl child we usually use. The one who always reads the UNICEF speech about gender equality.’

‘Unfortunately she’s been married off, Your Majesty. The parents needed the lobola.’

‘What a waste of a nice UNICEF speech!’ laughed the King. ‘Look’s like you’d better leave this boy here, and we’ll see if we can use him.’ He looked down at the street kid, saying ‘Would you like a piece of bread?’

The street kid’s eyes flashed with anger. ‘Just because I’m a street kid, don’t think I’m a beggar! You’re the very one with notices all over town telling people not to give to beggars, it will only make them dependent. So what are you doing now? Are you trying to make a beggar out of me? Do you want me to be dependent or independent?’

‘At last!’ said the king, slapping the table and knocking over his coffee cup. ‘Just what I wanted! A really independent person for Independence Day! This is going to be more entertaining than the girl child!’

‘I am Katwishi Kawisha the Car Washer,’ said the street kid proudly. ‘When I started off last year I was washing cars by myself, but now I employ twenty street kids at K500 a day.’

‘So you don’t live down the drain?’

‘Good gracious no. I have my own bus shelter in Kamwala, complete with DStv.’

‘So you were never a beggar?’

‘When I was a little boy, I used to beg,’ said Kawisha sadly, a tear rolling down his face. ‘When Daddy died, I went to the Pensions Board to beg for his money, but they said there wasn’t any. When Mummy was dying, I went to the hospital and begged for medicines, but they chased me away. After she was buried, I begged the headteacher not to throw me out of school, but he said he didn’t make the rules. So now I’ve given up begging.’

‘Heh heh,’ cackled the King, taking another spoonful of caviar, ‘The government taught you not to beg. This is the good news I’ve been waiting to hear for years. Because you’re so smelly, I nearly misjudged you. But now I have suddenly seen that you are the first success of this government. You have become a successful businessman because the government provided an enabling environment! And so you became independent! We shall celebrate your independence!’

Suddenly Kawisha stood up and looked down at the king. ‘What about you, are you also independent?’

The king looked round the empty veranda. ‘Can’t you see?’ he laughed. ‘I am completely alone here. No ministers, no advisors, I am completely independent of everybody. Nobody dares to come here, because they cannot argue with me. To argue with me is indiscipline, because I am the king!

‘But doesn’t the king have to listen to the people!

‘The people must be independent of the government, so that the government can be independent of the people. When government is independent of any domestic obligations, then they are free to consider their international obligations, such as the cost of trips to New York, the international comparability of per diem allowances, and the rising cost of caviar. These are weighty and complex questions that need not concern people like yourself, who have their own problems to worry about.

‘I often miss my parents,’ said Kawisha wistfully.

‘Just think how much more independent you are,’ said the king, ‘now that you don’t have the burden of trying to look after them. I would like you to make a speech on Independence Day, explaining how this government gave you your independence.’

Just then a bootlicker crawled out onto the veranda, and knelt before the king. ‘Message from the Nordida Development Agency, Your Majesty. They have approved your request for a supplementary grant of one million dollars for the celebrations.’

‘This gift has come at the right time,’ said the king. ‘Otherwise our independence could have been threatened!’